Pens-Sens (Hey, it Rhymes!): Series Preview

The Pens survived a tougher-than-expected series against the Islanders thanks to a gritty performance by backup goalie Tomas Vokoun and timely goals from surprising sources: Paul Martin, Doug Murray, Tyler Kennedy, and of course Brooks Orpik, whose Game 6 OT winner was the best playoff moment Pittsburgh has known since Crosby lifted the Cup.  The Islanders series will ultimately fade from memory, but it was important test of the team's mettle, and that the Pens were able to hold on by the skin of their collective teeth is either a good thing or a bad thing, depending on who you ask. 

For the glass-half-full crowd (myself included), the series was a much-needed gut check, a necessary spot of adversity that will keep the Penguins humble and committed to improving.  And hey, a playoff series win can never be taken for granted - we've learned that the last three seasons, when our playoffs were ended by teams we were "supposed to beat."  The pessimists among the Pittsburgh fan base, which seems to comprise ever single person I talk to, are concerned that the Pens showed a litany of weaknesses that just didn't seem to be there in the regular season.  The Islanders series should have been an ass-whupping to announce the team's championship intentions, and instead they showed their vulnerability and lack of composure.  To these minds, any positive things that were accomplished in this series were outweighed by turnovers, mental mistakes, and an inability to close the door.  These people are also very concerned about what we'll do with Marc-Andre Fleury, what's wrong with Evgeni Malkin, and whether Dan Byslma's the right  man for the job.

The second round series between the Pens and Sens, beginning tonight at Consol, will likely exacerbate these concerns and add new ones to the pile.  I've got three statements and three questions going into Game 1, as well as predictions at the end of this post.

Conspiracy Theories: Why is Vokoun REALLY Starting?

This week, two major events shocked the city of Pittsburgh: the Penguins decided to bench their highly-paid starting goalie, Marc-Andre Fleury, in favor of backup Tomas Vokoun, and the film Jack Reacher (2012) was released on Blu-ray and DVD.  What a coincidence that these two seemingly-unrelated things would happen so close to one another.

Or is it?

Let's look at the facts: Jack Reacher is set, and was shot entirely, in Pittsburgh, and stars Tom Cruise.  Tonight's Game 5 between the Penguins and Islanders will also take place in Pittsburgh, and will star Tomas Vokoun.  TOM Cruise?  TOMas Vokoun?  Come on.

Digging a little deeper, we find that Tom Cruise's birthday is July 3.  Tomas Vokoun's birthday?  July 2.  Oh, and what's that famous Tom Cruise film?  Born on the Fourth of July.  Is this sinking in?

Tom Cruise has long been associated with the Church of Scientology, a recently-created religion based in Florida that boasts hundreds of thousands of followers, but which remains veiled in mystery to the general public.  Vokoun was long associated with the Panthers, a recently-created hockey team based in Florida that boasts tens of dozens of followers, but which remains veiled in mystery to the general public.

Of course, Vokoun is from the Czech Republic, and Tom Cruise is as American as apple pie pizza, so it looks like my theory falls apart.  UNTIL you realize that the first Mission Impossible film, which Cruise produced and starred in, used Prague, the capital of the Czech Republic as a location - and whose idea was it?  Just guess.  According to the New York Times:

Mr. Cruise, whose movie is the first big Hollywood production to come here...wanted to to use Prague as contemporary Prague, an idea he thought would appeal to the Czechs, too. His fancy was caught by the Lichtenstein Palace, a newly renovated froth of curlicues and ornaments with a phalanx of elegant windows. 

Suuuuure - the Lichtenstein Palace caught Tom's fancy, not a 6-foot goaltending prospect who had just been drafted to the NHL a year prior.

According to the same article, Cruise was furious when Czech bureaucrats tried to gauge the production unit by jacking up location costs at the last minute.  Rumor has it he vowed never to return after that experience.  So imagine my surprise when the fourth installment of the Mission Impossible franchise, Ghost Protocol, featured scenes shot in none other than Prague.  What an amazing change of heart!  It's almost like Cruise had a reason to go back to the Czech Republic.  Maybe to confer with a certain netminder?

Could the Mission Impossible films be a front for the covert machinations of a Tom Cruise-NHL partnerships?  No, I'm sure they keeping making them because the public just keeps clamoring for a new Mission Impossible film. 

But back to Jack Reacher (out now on Blu-ray and DVD).   Here's the plot description, courtesy IMDb:

In an innocent heartland city, five are shot dead by an expert sniper. The police quickly identify and arrest the culprit, and build a slam-dunk case. But the accused man claims he's innocent and says "Get Jack Reacher." Reacher himself sees the news report and turns up in the city. The defense is immensely relieved, but Reacher has come to bury the guy. Shocked at the accused's request, Reacher sets out to confirm for himself the absolute certainty of the man's guilt, but comes up with more than he bargained for. 

Hmmm..."five are shot dead by an expert sniper."  That one's pretty easy: the expert sniper is John Tavares, who scored the game-winning goal for the Islanders (the team's fifth) on Tuesday - his shot basically leaving the Pens for dead.  The police (Pens fans and media) quickly identfy a culprit (Fleury), but Jack Reacher (Vokoun, natch) is called in to right the situation.  But not only that, he came to "bury the guy" - that's right, Vokoun is "gunning" (action movie term) for Fleury's job!  You couldn't script it any better - unless, of course, someone did script it.

According to the description, Reacher gets "more than he bargained for."  I haven't personally seen the film, so I can't guess what that entails.  But for Vokoun, couldn't more than he bargained for mean a contract extension?  That would probably only happened if he somehow usurped Fleury's role in net and led the Penguins to a deep playoff run.  I know what you're saying: that's the kind of thing that only happens in a Hollywood movie.  My point EXACTLY.

Jack Reacher's budget was estimated around $60 million dollars - right around the Pittsburgh Penguins' payroll this year.  The film grossed over $216 million worldwide.  Seems like a lot of money, but for Cruise, it was something of a bomb, one of his lowest grossing films of the last decade.  Four months after Jack Reacher's disappointing opening weekend - just enough time not to raise any eyebrows - the Penguins traded for Vokoun.  A good way for a movie to boost its receipts is to launch a successful home video campaign.  A good way to do that is to have a tie-in with another story that catches the public's interest.  And a good way to do that is to orchestrate a complicated goaltender controversy on one of the NHL's most visible teams, pretty much guaranteeing a successful crossover into that most coveted of demographics in Hollywood: American hockey fans.  "But Old Top," you whine, "to pull off something so convoluted and nefarious you'd need to have unlimited resources!"  Oh, like the kind of resources available to the world's highest paid movie star, who also happens to have the support of a religion estimated to have become a multi-billion dollar industry?  THOSE kinds of resources?

When Tomas Vokoun joined the Penguins, he switched his number from 29 to 92.  He claimed it was because Fleury had already claimed 29, and he decided to reverse the number.  What he didn't mention is that 1992 is his favorite Tom Cruise movie, A Few Good Men, came out in theaters.  You can call me a conspiracy theorist all you want, but maybe it's YOU who CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!

I'm buying the Jack Reacher DVD today, and synching it up with Mike Lange's call for Game 5, just to see what kind of hidden messages I can find.  And to you, the American public, I recommend that, after watching Vokoun's inspiratoinal performance in net tonight, you go out and buy Jack Reacher on Blu-Ray or DVD.

Like you even have a choice.

Game 4 Fallout: Playing the Blame Game

All photos courtesy Getty Images and AP Photo

Game 4 was the sum of all fears for the Penguins and their fans.  A team that looked bulletproof in the regular season, and, after a dominating performance in Game 1, ready to shake off the playoff flame-outs that have afflicted them the past few years, is now looking extremely vulnerable.  Pens fans are having uncomfortable flashbacks to last season's Flyers series, which we all vowed had hardened us; no more overconfidence, no more taking anything for granted, and above all, no more living and dying with each up-and-down playoff game.  We were going to be as calm and determined as our battle-tested, veteran team.

All of that has gone out the window, as the Penguins seem hell-bent on forcing us to relive the Philly series we so desperately want to forget.  Each game since the first has been a track meet, with the Pens' take-a-penny-give-a-penny approach to scoring resulting in blown leads in every game (including two last night) and a total of 14 goals against.  With a chance to take a stranglehold on the series last night, the Pens instead played like had learned nothing from the previous two games, like there were no improvements that needed to be made, like the team that we watched all year was some carefully-orchestrated mirage designed to piss off Pittsburgh residents.  Well, it worked, and today, fingers are being pointed every which-a-way.

So, ignoring the fact the the Pens are now engaged in a best-of-three against a team that they are still expected to defeat, let's talk about who is to blame for reminding us why liking sports sucks.

Pens-Isles, Game 2: Who We're Watching

While all eyes will be on the usual suspects tonight - Crosby (I think he comes back), Malkin (always threatening to do something breathtaking), Fleury (how will he fare once the Isles start getting comfortable playoff hockey?), Tavares (will he have a mental breakdown before this series is over?) - here are some people to watch in tonight's game.

Mark Eaton

Eats plays such an understated style that it is almost impossible to find photos of him in game action.  While Douglas Murray's hits and Kris Letang's offense were grabbing all the attention, Eaton put up the following line: 1 assist, plus-2, 3:44 of shorthanded TOI (second only to Martin), and 8 blocked shots in 19 minutes of ice time (third among defensemen behind Letang and Martin).  A sporadic healthy scratch since his return to Pittsburgh, Eaton showed on Wednesday night why he will be one of our most relied-upon defensemen in the payoffs.  With Orpik's injury and the lack of playoff experience among our lower-pairing D-men, Eaton's steadiness and patience are much needed, and he should be given a lot of credit for limiting the number of tough saves that Fleury is forced to make.  Eight blocked shots is nothing to sneeze at, and let's not discount the fact that Eaton has a pretty firm grasp on the Islanders' offensive tendencies, having played on the Isles the past two seasons.  Take a moment from watching Malkin's Superman act to appreciate the Penguins' Clark Kent.

Happy Hockey Christmas!

Photo: Getty Images

If you're like me, you probably woke up this morning before your alarm went off, sat up in bed, and smiled to yourself.  You went through your morning ablutions abstractedly, finally lathering up and giving yourself a clean shave, your face like a freshly zambonied sheet of ice, hopefully for the last time in a long while.  You gave meaningful looks to everyone you saw in Penguins gear on your way to work, visited the other Pens fans in your office to wish them a happy Hockey Christmas, sat down at your desk, and started looking for Crosby updates before even glancing at your work emails.

It's here.  Let it sink in.  The Pens open up the postseason against the team that most represents playoff failure and disappointment to us, the New York Islanders.  It's a poetical chance to exorcise some franchise demons, but the fact is that these teams haven't met in the playoffs in two decades, and the Isles haven't played anyone in the playoffs in six years.  The Penguins are not up against history; they only need to focus on beating this squad, and Dave Volek and Glenn Healy ain't walking through that door.

Here are three questions and three statements about this series, as well as my prediction:

Regular Season in Review: Fan Favorite Power Rankings

All photos : Getty Images

Well THAT went quickly.  The 2012-13 regular season is in the books, and let's face it, it was the most enjoyable season for Pens fans since 1992-93.  And we all know how THAT turned out.  So, while we all try to temper our expectations for the playoffs - while simultaneously telling ourselves that it is ridiculous and superstitious to think that something that happened twenty years ago (exactly) has any bearing on this season - let's look back on an extremely memorable season.

The Fan Favorite Power Rankings are meant to be a barometer for the attitude of the fan base at large for the individuals on the team.  I judged each player in six categories, giving a score from 1-5 based not just on how I felt, but (and this is important) based on public opinion in and around Pittsburgh - as perceived by me.  My criteria are:


Quality of Play: This metric is meant to be relative to the player's expected level of play; for instance, giving Brandon Sutter a rating of 4 and Evgeni Malkin a 3.5 does not mean I think Sutter outplayed Geno.  He didn't.  But he performed better than expected, while Geno didn't play at his usual MVP level.
Personality: Basically, is the guy a beloved character, a badass, or a cardboard cutout?  Most hockey players are pretty boring, so I'm giving some a boost for on-ice personality (read: fist-pumps).
Toughness: This skews the scales unfairly in favor of defensemen and grinders, but the peoples loves their smash-ems.
Intangibles: COULD BE ANYTHING!!!
Nickname: Fans will have a hard time liking you if there isn't something affectionate that they can scream at you.  The cuter the better.
Jersey-buyability: A real word that measures how cool I think a player's jersey is, based on completely biased aesthetic convictions.

Agree?  Disagree?  Tell me what you think in the comments!

Shero Beast Mode: Trade Deadline in Review

Well, shit.  I take a little break from the blog and everything else to go on vacation down Mexico way, thinking I'd get back in time to catch the trade deadline excitement, and during my week abroad EVERYTHING happens.  The Pens' winning streak reached an incredible 15 games.  Sidney Crosby and Paul Martin sustained terrible injuries.  And, of course, Ray Shero made huge trade after huge trade, culminating in his jaw-dropping pilfering of Jarome Iginla from the Calgary Flames.

I followed all of this from afar, feeling big things but unable to blog those feelings.  I'm sure every sports blogger knows the awful sensation of this creative blue-balling, having opinions to vent and no outlet for them.  And with today's 24/7/365 sportsmediascape, waiting even a day to respond to the most recent event makes you old news.  Well I say balls to that.  Balls!  My feelings remain valid, and I'm going to share them, no matter how far past their expiration date they may be.

Five thoughts on the Penguins' new additions...